Blonde Jokes Anyone?
Two Ontario tourists were driving through Nova Scotia. As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-been-aack-id-dee), they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?
The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said: "Timmmmm Horrrrttoonnnssss"
Q - Why did the blonde keep an empty milk carton in her fridge?
A - In case somebody wanted black coffee.
A man sits down beside a Blonde reading the newspaper at a cafeteria. The newspaper headline reads: "Twelve Brazilian Soldiers Shot". The Blonde turns to the man and asks "How many is a brazilian?"
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left cheek and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
The Light Bulb -
Two factory workers were talking. "I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde
woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the
road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off
down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops
down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label..........
It says..."Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Dear Diary,
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind....But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.... Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid... So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back...Guess I won that stupid argument....
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night
he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his
dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes
when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does
the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential
as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general.....and all in
the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins
to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this
mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered,there was a
blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her
biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F'
means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get
drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did
the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and
is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from
Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to
intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the
switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostate themselves;
beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe
in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they
all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness,
and release her.
The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm
from the University of Florida and just graduated with a degree
in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you aren't
gonna electrocute anybody if you don't plug this thing in."
Two blondes were sitting on a park bench when
one asked the other, "Which is farther, the moon or Vancouver?"
"Vancouver of course." says her friend. "Why do
say that?" said the first blonde. To which her friend answers
"Hello...can you see Vancouver from here?"
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate
for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods
around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.The first house
she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah,
I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how
much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is
fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll
find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The
man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around
the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was
standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes
later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished,"
she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You
painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied.
"I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie."Oh, and by
the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A married couple was asleep when the phone
rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked
up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said,
"Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person
looks familiar."The second blonde says, "Here, let me
see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating
on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the
arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens
her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies,
"Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge
of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I
know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital
of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy:
W."
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,
sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she
knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question
then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast
the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the
first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with
his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to
find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent
exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Because
your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH
MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts
her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days,
then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why,
that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though,
I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From
hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo"
she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second
blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back,
"You are on the other side."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were
talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in
space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be
the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're
not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect
me to show it to you!"
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
& Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought
for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
As his first wedding anniversary approached,
this guy wanted to get something nice for his beautiful blonde
bride. So he got her a cell phone. And of course, he had to explain
the features and how it worked. One day she is out shopping when
the phone rang. It was her husband who asked, "Honey, how
do you like the phone?" "I love it," she replied,
"it's so compact and your voice is so clear. But one thing
puzzles me." "What's that, Honey?" he replied.
She answered, "Well, how did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the
point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got
off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was
going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and
thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's
advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for
a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get
stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure
enough, in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started
to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very
smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with
the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she
was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped. The driver
got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down
her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all
right as she had been following him for a long time. She said
that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow
a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that
it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but...he
was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart
next.
Jay and his BLONDE wife live in Chicago. One
winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer
say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so
the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and moves
her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street,
so the snowplow can get through." Jay's wife goes out and
moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again,
when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12
inches of snow today. You must park...", then the electric
power goes out. Jay's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what
to do." Jay says, "Why don't you just leave it in the
garage this time?"
GOD LOVES BLONDES; WHY?
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself
in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious
financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask
God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto." Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi
again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost
my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she
Prays... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost
my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't
often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order." Suddenly, there is a blinding flash
of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice
of God himself... "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried
home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't
sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me,"
she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut
and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to
buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,"
he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm
a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot
of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at
a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That
doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can sell
the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here
is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.
Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back
to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your
car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made
the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette
asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No,"
replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it."
This blonde went up to a soft drink
dispenser. When she put her money in the machine, a can of pop
dropped out the slot. She then put more money into the machine
and the same thing happened. Then she put in still more money
and once again a can dropped out of the bottom of the machine.
This went on for a while. Meanwhile another customer came up to
the machine, waiting for his turn. Soon he began to grow impatient.
Puzzled, he asked her what she was doing and how long she would
be. She answered: "Not now, I'm winning!"
A blonde gets on an Air Canada flight and is seated in the
economy section. After the plane takes off and the Captain extinguishes
the seat belt sign, she gets up and goes to the front and sits
down in first class. Seeing this, the Flight Attendant goes up
to her and says "I'm sorry, you can't stay here, this area
is for the first class passengers only." The blonde replies
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Montreal."
The Flight Attendant goes up to the cockpit and reports this to
the First Officer who goes back to where she was seated. He gets
the same response when he tries to get her to move: "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Montreal." So the
First Officer goes back to the cockpit and tells the Captain.
He says, "Not a problem, my wife is a blonde. I'll handle
it." So the Captain goes to where she is sitting, introduces
himself, speaks to her briefly and to everyone's surprise, the
blonde gets up and returns to her own seat! When he gets back
to the cockpit, the First Officer and Flight Attendant are waiting
to see how he did this. "It was easy," said the Captain,
"I just told her that the first class section wasn't going
to Montreal."
A blonde and a redhead were sitting in a bar one night when
the TV news came on, showing a man on the Golden Gate bridge,
threatening to jump. The blonde said to the redhead "I'll
bet you fifty bucks he won't jump." "You're on."
said the redhead. Soon after, the man did jump. So the blonde
said "Here's your fifty bucks." The redhead said "That's
ok, we're friends, keep your money." But the blonde said
"No, a bet's a bet." Then, the redhead said "Look,
to be honest, I already saw this on the 5 o'clock news, I can't
take your money." "So did I," said the blonde,
"but I didn't think he would jump again!"
Two Blondes walk into a building. You would think that one
of them would have seen it.
What did the Blonde say when she learned she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted
& the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along
at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip
from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from
the horse to try & throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground again & again. As her head is battered
against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness
when........
the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A blonde had just smashed up her car in a horrific accident
in Arizona. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the
wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when
the state trooper arrived. " My God!" the trooper gasped.
" Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by
an elephant.
Are you OK ma'am?" " Yes, officer, I'm just fine,"
the blonde chirped. " Well, how in the world did this happen?"
the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. " Officer,
it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops
up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another
tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved
to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left
and there was...." " Uh, ma'am", the officer said,
cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30
miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
I KNEW A BLONDE THAT WAS SO DITZY...
-she called me to get my phone number.
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because
it said "concentrate."
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DON'T WALK."
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
-she thought a quarterback was a refund.
-she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
-if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
-under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked
On Phonics."
-she tripped over a cordless phone.
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"
she put "Sagittarius."
-she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
-if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
-she studied for a blood test.
-she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
-she sold her car for gas money.
-when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she
went home and got 16 friends.
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved.
-she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
-when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home.
-she took her new scarf back to the store because it was
too tight.
-she can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into
the typewriter.
-she got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
and the box said "2 to 4 years".
-she was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went
out.
- she baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said
1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
-she can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into
those little packets.
-she hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
-she changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label
said "good up to 20 pounds."
-after losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained
that the other swimmers were using their arms.
What goes "vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc.? - - A blonde
at a
flashing red light.
Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger
when
one says, " Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for winter"
A blonde was shopping at a WalMart store when she came upon a silver Thermos. She was quite fascinated so she took it to the clerk and asked what it was. The clerk said, "That is a Thermos...it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow!" said the blonde, "That's amazing, I'm going to buy it". So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it and inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blonde replied, "Two popsicles and some coffee."
A blonde was standing in front of a soft-drink machine when a gentleman came up behind her. He watched her put in some change and out came her drink. She did this again with the same result. This went on for a while, and finally the gentleman asked, "Ma'am, how long will you be?" She replied, "Not now, can't you see I'm winning?"
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